I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
