My pussy is not your playground.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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