Where did you get a picture of my penis
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
You know, be my cock's hype man.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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