I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize