How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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