I'm laying in your front yard are you home
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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