he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
