Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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