his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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