I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
