my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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