Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
