kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
