i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
