i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
