Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
