Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
