My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
