My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize