Define "chronic" masturbator.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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