This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Randomize
