the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize