She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
