woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
