i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
