My friends, they love my intelligence
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize