speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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