Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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