I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
