i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize