She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
