you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Randomize
