I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
