Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Randomize
