i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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