Yo dont text me then not text me
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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