I'm sorry my penis didn't work
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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