I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
