I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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