She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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