I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
