So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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