I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
When did angry sex become our thing?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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