You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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