No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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