I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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