just survived the first fart of the relationship.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Found the puke drawer
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
