That reminds me...we need to get swords
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
