3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
