STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You have to summon your inner elephant
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize