My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
