I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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