Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
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