Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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