I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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