sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
