wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
