i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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