This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
