As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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