when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
