i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
