giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
