Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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