He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
