but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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