I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Randomize
