This girl is more easily done than said...
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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