Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
