Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize