she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
